|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:24:58 GMT 8
A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together,
"Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite."
The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".
The wife sez "That's close enough!"
- - -
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws
a thingy then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back of
the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a thingy,and my father has two
of them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"Dirty
Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters
teeth."
- - -
Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls in the office had removed their clothes and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is a stock up, not an office party!"
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:34:12 GMT 8
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:43:53 GMT 8
A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.
She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:44:50 GMT 8
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:51:23 GMT 8
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 6:58:16 GMT 8
One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"
His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...
"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 7:05:50 GMT 8
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 5, 2008 7:17:15 GMT 8
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your thingy off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your thingy off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 6, 2008 6:08:16 GMT 8
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 15, 2008 19:23:41 GMT 8
Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"
gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!
Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami
sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex
or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!
ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"
Husband: "Paratina lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"
Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"
Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO
HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na
to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising
bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.
HEHEHEHE!!!!
Population policies of countries:
: China Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!
Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 15, 2008 19:39:04 GMT 8
|
|
|
|
Post by ibex on Sept 15, 2008 19:40:03 GMT 8
|
|
