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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 10:31:39 GMT 8
This thread is deviant to the Main topic but I see it important to once in a while tickle our funny bones and relieve ourselves from anxieties and stresses that come with the rigors of living our daily lives.
Share naman kayo
As they say "Laughter is the best medicine"
So put a smile to that funny face...
Read at your own risk ;D ;D ;D
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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 10:35:19 GMT 8
A Mother had three ʽvirginʼ daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
1) The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
2) The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
3) The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for South African Airways. The ad said: "TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
E-Mail from Zee
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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 10:59:44 GMT 8
;D ;D ;D ;D
Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service" Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed. Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.." Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. The engraver shortened it to: "RETURNED UNOPENED" Two gays were looking at Travel Brochures at a Travel Agency. One of them said: "Lets try Greece this year." The other answered: "Why? What's wrong with Vaseline?" BREAST RELATED NAME: SUSAN- suso nasa tiyan SUZETTE- suso maliit DOLOR- dodo nasa floor JOBEL- joga hanggang bilbil DEBORRAH- dede walang bra ULA- utong lang.. MISIS: Inday, napansin ko ang barong ni Sir mo, lagi na lang may lipstik! MAID: Opo nga Mam, mukhang niloloko na TAYO ni Sir ah! THOUGHT FOR THE DAY "VIRGINITY is not DIGNITY. It's just a lack of opportunity!" - by William Sexfear.. PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo? JUAN: Pata! PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata? JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento! JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat? ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda.. TATAY: "Pesteng buhay toh! merong kaldero, walang biGAS! merong lampara, walang GAS! merong gripo, walang taGAS! dagdagan pa ng asawang walang huGAS huGAS! paano pa titiGAS!!" A young man ask an old man. "Sir, what is retirement?"
Old man: "Retirement is when you are replaced by a computer at work and a vibrator at home.." MISTER: (naglalambing, kissing wife's shoulder) Hon, sigi naaaa... MISIS: (naiirita) Bumabagyo! MISTER: Ayaw mo yun, eh malamig? Sigii naaa... MISIS: Ano ka ba, tanga? Di ka na nahiya! Ang daming tao dito sa evacuation center! TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA? BOY#1: Naglaba mam! TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE? BOY#2: Naglalaba! TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE? BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam! A farmer went to the river and saw five (5) nude girls swimming. The girls protested, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Farmer: "it's Ok, I'm here to feed the crocodiles!" AMERICAN ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!
IN TAGALOG: kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to! ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish. HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese. JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot. RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo. JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina. MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork. AI AI DELAS ALAS: half Filipino half Moon. GMA: half... HEADLINE: "Dalawang lola nag jogging sa plaza ginahasa!"
Kinabukasan... Plaza nagkagulo! Nagtrapik! Libu-libong lola nag jo-jogging! A boss interviewed four (4) girls for secretary... He asked each one this question: A lady has two mouths. What is the difference between the two mouths?
1st: One can talk, and the other can not talk. 2nd: One is vertical, and the other is horizontal. 3rd: Only one is hairy. 4th: Upper one is for my use, and the lower is for my boss.
THE LAST ONE WAS HIRED!! TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na sobrang mataba siya ng hindi sya mababastos?
SAGOT: "uhmm, excuse me Miss.. Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?.." GIRL: Mommy, bakit yung bird ng neighbor nating kalaro ko parang champoy..? MOMMY: Hahaha! Bakit? maliit ba? GIRL: Hindi Mommy.. Maalat kasi eh! In New York City ...
Mike Arroyo: How much? Prostitute: $100. Mike Arroyo: That's too much! How about $10? Prostitute: No way!
(Next day, Prosti saw Mike with GMA) Prostitute: See, that's what you get for $10.? BANK TELLER: Your ID is valid and acceptable, clear photo, kitang kita ang kulubot at mga linya sa mukha, walang retoke... LADY CLIENT: Gaga! Thumbmark ko yan! MAID: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi.. MADAM: Bakit di ka sumigaw? MAID: Eh.. akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa.. Nagduda na ako! SA BOTICA.. CUSTOMER: (pabulong) 'Day, isang condom nga.. SALESLADY: Sayz Sir! CUSTOMER: (nahiya) small lang.. hehehe.. SALESLADY: hindi Sir, sayz pisos ang isa!
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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 17:35:37 GMT 8
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo! Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo? Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako Father: ano kasalanan mo? Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao Father: bakit? Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba? Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap.....
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo! Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh! Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
In a pet shop... Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!! Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit... Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!
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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 19:02:33 GMT 8
Date: Thursday, July 3, 2008, 2:32 PM
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...on a Saturday morning...after breakfast...
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !!!!!!!!!
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Post by ibex on Jul 9, 2008 19:29:06 GMT 8
A Filipino is calmly having his breakfast when an American,typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Filipino ignores the American who begins to chat:
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Filipino: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the soft centre of the bread, the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to Sri lanka .
The Filipino makes no comment.
The American continues: Do you eat this Jam with the bread?
The Filipino repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not eat Jam . We eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we keep all the peels and seeds in a containers. Later we process it, and transform it into Jam and then we sell it to Sri lanka .
The Filipino asks: So, as a matter of interest what do you do with condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Filipino: We do not. We keep them in containers, process them,transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to the United States .
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Post by ibex on Jul 29, 2008 20:23:46 GMT 8
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Post by ibex on Jul 29, 2008 20:28:07 GMT 8
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Post by ibex on Jul 29, 2008 20:30:38 GMT 8
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Post by ibex on Jul 29, 2008 20:37:37 GMT 8
The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Heard Anyone Say 1. An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: "Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?" Contestant: "Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?"
2. In Wowowee, the question was: "Kung ang 'sigaw' ay 'shout' sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang 'whisper'?" The contestant answered: "Napkin!"
3. While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: "Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh..."
4. My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: "Miss, puwedeng take out?"
5. In a burger joint I heard a man say: "Miss, isa ngang 'amusing' aloha at saka 'kidney' meal." Server: "Dine in po ba or to go?" The man answered: "Ayoko ng sago!"
6. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: "Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet." And she replied: "Ano po, solo o litro?" (coke is it)
7. My friend said: "Ang galing 'no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!"
8. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: "Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, 'Hesus and Company."
9. While watching "Apollo 13?, after she heard the line: "Houston, we have a problem." My ex-girlfriend asked: "Sino si Houston?"
10. We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?" Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"
11. Also in a gameshow. Host: "Ano sa Tagalog ang 'teeth'?" Contestant: "Utong!"
12. One classmate in highschool said, "Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!" I corrected him and said, "luminous!" Then he replied, "Oo nga pala, plural!"
13. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!" Pasahero: "Boss, Cubao?"
14. Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: "Anong 'P' ang Tagalog ng 'storey' o 'floor' ng building?" Contestan: "PIP PLOR!"
15. An officemate once asked: "Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?"
16. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din! It's the color of the day!"
17. My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: "Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!" I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, "Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!"
18. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, "Hey, I got a missed call!" My friend said, "Anong sabi?"
19. From the gameshow "The Weakest Link". Host Edu Manzano asked: "Anong 'T' ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?" Ian Veneracion answered: "TUKLI!"
20. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, "Hala, brownout!" Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.
21. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I already changed your monthly period."
22. During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the do's & dont's of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: "Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?"
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Post by ibex on Jul 29, 2008 20:38:53 GMT 8
;D ;D ;D
Question: Ano ang ginagamit na floatation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Clue: Starts with the letter "S" - Go!!! (correct answer="salbabida")
Ateneo: (linalapit ang bibig sa mike) Sirena.
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
San Beda: Siyokoy.
host: Hinde!! Hinde ito Lalake!
La Salle: Siyoke.
*** proceed in that manner ****
Q: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong tentacles?
Clue: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsimula sa "Octo" (Octopus).
A: October.
Q: Hindi, walo nga ang tentacles nito.
A: Octo-walo.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Ang hayop na ito ay walang spine at malambot ang > >> > katawan.
A: Octoarts Dancer.
Q: Hindi, nagtatapos sa "s" ang pangalan nito.
A: Octoarts Dancers.
Q: Hindi pa rin.
A: Octomechanix
Q: What is the national fish of the Philippines?
Clue: Its name starts with the letter "b" (Bangus).
A: Botete.
Q: Hindi, may "s" sa dulo.
A: botetes.
Q: Ano ang national tree of the Philippines?
Clue: Nagsisimula ang pangalan niya sa letrang "N" (Narra).
A: Niyog.
Q: Mas matigas pa diyan.
A: (In a strong-sounding voice) Niyog!
Q: Ano ang total ng 2 + 2?
A: Three!
Q: Hindi, mas mataas pa diyan.
A: (In a high-pitched voice) Three!
Q: Saan binaril si Dr Jose P. Rizal?
Clue: "B" ang simula (Bagumbayan)
A: Sa back?
Q: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay "L" (Luneta).
A: Sa likod?
Q: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, gamitin natin ang kaniyang modern name - "RP" (Rizal Park).
A: Sa rear part
Q: Saan tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo.
Clue: Nagsisimula sa letrang "B" (Beach).
A: Banyo.
Q: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, naaarawan ka.
A: Bubong.
Q: Hindi, pag nandoon ka na, marami kang makikita na mga babaeng > >> > nakabikini.
A: Ahhhh! beerhouse!
Q: What is the National Bird of the Philippines?
Clue: Its name starts with the letter "M"(Maya).
A: Manok!
Q: Hindi, brown ang kulay nito.
A: manok na pinirito.
Q: Hindi, mas maliit pa diyan.
A: Maggi chicken cube
Q: What is the National Flower of the Philippines?
Clue: It starts with the letter "S" (Sampaguita).
A: Sunflower.
Q: Hindi, binibenta ito sa kalye.
A: Stork.
Q: Hindi, bulaklak sabi, eh.
A: sitsarong bulaklak!
Q: Hindi pa rin. Ang ending niya ay letrang "A".
A: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka!
Q: O, para madali ha, uulitin ko ang clues at dagdagan ko pa:
pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa letrang "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A" at kapangalan ito ng isang sikat na singer.
A: Si Sharon Cuneta
Q: Ano ang tawag ng tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Clue: "L" ang simula ng pangalan niya (Lifeguard).
A: Lifebuoy.
Q: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng > >> > taong ito.
A: Safeguard.
Q: Hindi, pero makukuha mo ang pangalan nito pag pinagsama mo ang > >> > dalawang sagot mo.
A: Safe boy.
Q: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
A: Si Mr. Clean.
Q: Sino ang kaunaunahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Clue: Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene Torre).
A: Carole King.
Q: Hindi, mas mababa sa "King".
A: Al Quinn.
Q: Hindi, Filipino ang apelyido niya.
A: Armida Siguion-Reyna.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa pa sa "Reyna".
A: Bishop Bacani.
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Bishop".
A: Johnny Midnight (Knight).
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Knight".
A: Jerry Pons (Pawns)?
Q: O ayan na ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng piyesa. Yung kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
A: Sylvia la Torre
Q: Sino ang National Hero na naka-picture sa 500-peso bill?
Clue: Ang initials niya ay "N-A"(Ninoy Aquino).
A: Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, ang last letter ng kaniyang palayaw ay "Y".
A: Guy Aunor?
Q: Hindi, dati siyang naging Senador.
A: The former Senator Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, patay na siya!
A: Patay na pala si Nora Aunor? . . .
Q: Sino and nakapatay kay Magellan?
Ang initial ay L-L
A: Lito Lapid
Q: Hindi, inuulit ang pangalan nito!
A: Lito-lito lapid-lapid
Q: Hindi, konti lang ang letra ng pangalan niya
A: Lot-lot
Q: Hindi, mas marami pa dito ang titig niya
A: Lot-lot and friends
Q: Sino ang pambansang bayani ng pilipinas?
Ang initial ay J-R (Jose Rizal)
A: Jeric Raval?
Q: Hindi, isa siyang doctor!
A: Doctor Jeric Raval
Q: Sino ang unang asawa ni Sharon Cuneta?
Ang initial ay GC (Gabby Concepcion)
A: JC Bonnin
Q: Anong pangalan ng bagong grupong mangsasayaw
Ang initial ay UMD, at kumakanta pa sila. (Universal Motion Dancer)
A: UMD – United Merikan Diki-diki
Q: Hindi, maraming kababaihan at mga syoke na naghihimatayan
A: UMD – Ut and Mouth Disease
Q: Anong pambansang damit sa lalaki?
Ang initial ay B…(sagot=Barong)
A: Bahag
Q: Hindi, may malaki pa dito sa bahag
A: Baggie
Q: Anong pambansang hayop ng pilipinas?
Ang initial ay "K"(sagot=Kalabaw)
A: Kambing
Q: Hindi, itim ang kulay ng hayop na ito.
A: Kuto
Q: Hindi, itong hayop na ito ay nasa lupa
A: Kutong lupa
Q: What is the national food of the Philippines?
Start with letter "L" (sagot=Lechon)
A: Laing
Q: Hindi, baboy ang ginagamit sa pagluluto
A: Ginisang baboy sa laing
Q: Dugtungan ang mga sumusunod na pangungusap (fill in the blank)
"kapag may aklat, ______". Clue, start with the letter "S" go!
A: Sosyal. Kapag may aklat, Sosyal!
Q: Hinde, ang synonym nito ay hinahangaan ka ng mga tao o fans kagaya kay Nora Aunor
A: Superstar. Kapag may aklat, Superstar!
Q: Hinde, ang kaparehong kahulugan nito sa ingles ay famous.
A: Sip-sip. Kapag may aklat, Sip-sip!
Q: Hinde, ang kaparehong kahulugan rin nito sa ingles ay Sunrise.
A: Sunshine. Kapag may aklat, Sunshine!
Q: Hinde nga eh!, other word ng Sunshine sa pilipino.
A: ST. Kapag may aklat, ST!
Q: Dugtungan ang mga sumusunod na pangungusap (fill in the blank)
"You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy ____". Clue, start with the letter "C" go!
A: Cuneta. "You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy Cuneta".
Q: Hinde, madalas ito ang dahilan sa ang mga bata ay nagkakasakit dahil sa kanyang mga balahibo.
A: Corikong. "You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy Corikong".
Q: Hinde sabi, Madalas ay pagala-gala sa mga kalye at sa kalsada.
A: Cop. "You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy Cop".
Q: Hinde, ito’y madalas hinahabol ng aso.
A: Cartero. "You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy Cartero".
Q:Sino ang pinakasexing artista natin ngayon na may film na Darna? Clue: Ang initials niya ay A.A. A: Si... Anthony Alonzo? Q: Hindi... Babae siya. A: Si... Alicia Alonzo?
Q: Ano ang pambansang kasuotan ng mga kababaihan? B.S. ang initials A: Bathing Suit? Q: Mali. E, sa kalalakihan naman, ano ang tawag sa kasuotan. B rin ang simula. A: Brief? Q: Hindi, mas manipis pa ito... A: Bikini brief?
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Post by ibex on Jul 30, 2008 6:44:15 GMT 8
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Post by ibex on Jul 30, 2008 6:54:19 GMT 8
Pasosyal ang isang girl sa pampasaherong bus…
GIRL: Manong conductor, can you get my luggage, please? It’s kinda heavy kasi, eh!
KONDUKTOR: Alin dito, miss?
GIRL: Uhmm… that one, o! ‘Yung sako!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ina: Bakit buntis ka!?
Anak: project po ito sa school tungkol sa miracle of life
Ina: Sino Ama niyan! Sabihin mo!
Anak: Nay... madami po eh.. group project po kasi!
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Post by ibex on Jul 31, 2008 6:45:44 GMT 8
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Post by ibex on Aug 1, 2008 18:58:08 GMT 8
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water ** **Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........*
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number......
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